Unapologetically Me

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6 Comments

I'm 23 now. I will be 24 this March. It's taken me this long to start to be happy to be me. I've spent my life being apologetic for who I am, towards both other people and myself. Apologetic towards my family because I wasn't as academically smart as them (I don't feel like they intended for me to feel this way and would most likely be really upset if they knew). Apologetic towards ex partners and my current partner because I didn't fit the role of the perfect girlfriend (a role that doesn't exist by the way). Apologetic towards myself for not being enough: skilled enough, pretty enough, clever enough, the ridiculous list goes on. 

I am someone who hasn't "found myself", I keep changing and discovering new things about myself. While others would call this growth and nothing to worry about and should in fact be celebrated, I saw it as a sign of me not being good enough that even I wasn't happy with who I was and that's why I kept changing. Of course I know now that me changing was just me reacting to life and everything that was happening to me, the places I had gone, the people I had met and so on.

This state of self loathing has been fluctuating for the last 23 years, at times it being manageable, other times unbearable. But over the past few years it has been dwindling with little thoughts like "that sketch I just did was pretty good" or "I look good today" or "I'm proud of that blog post" occasionally popping into my head. I've spoken about self love before but in my head I was applying and think about self love for other people, a completely contradictory state. However gradually a realisation has been coming to me, until finally, one not so special day sitting in an arm chair I realised: I am who I am and I need to stop apologising for that. Sure, I can make little adjustments or changes will no doubt happen over time but the foundations of who I am, like the foundations of a building, won't change.

I am probably just putting my first step down on this road but I am looking forward to start this journey, as cliched as that may sound. My aim is now to stop apologising to others and to myself for who am and for who I am not. I have to learn that I am a creation of lots of different, sometimes conflicting, fragments but there is nothing wrong with that. I have to learn to be safe and happy in who I am, that there will always be that one person who I can rely on, myself. I have to be unapologetically me. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this post and that your 2017 is off to a great start!


Thanks for reading!


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6 comments:

  1. This is wonderful! I think it's awesome that you're embracing who you are. I used to be the same with trying to be perfect and apologizing for being me. I've spent the last few years learning more about myself and how to self-love. It's made my life so much better! I'm so much happier now that I accept and love who I am. You will definitely get there and it will be amazing. Keep us updated :)
    Steph x. Hello, Steph Blog

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    1. Thank you so much, I'm pleased you are accepting and loving yourself now, that's awesome! I'll definitely keep you updated, thanks for stopping by!

      Ella xx
      www.inellaselement.co.uk

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  2. Love this post! So glad you're beginning to realise that you've got to just be yourself and learn to love and enjoy that. Self love is hard and it's definitely a journey, but you can get there :) xx

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    1. Thank you lovely I'm definitely happy that I've started out on this road. Thanks for popping in!

      Ella xx

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  3. That's awesome that you've reached that point. I still haven't made it there myself, but I'm working on it. I feel like I can relate a lot to this post. I'm trying to figure out who I am but it's hard determine where to start.

    Anyway, I hope you continue on with your mindset. Have a prosperous 2017!

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    1. It's great that you are working on it, I don't think anyone loves themselves all day every day. Thanks for dropping by, have a great 2017!

      Ella xx

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