Losing My Virginity At 20

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28 Comments

Hello lovely readers, I hope you are enjoying the week so far. So today it's a pretty talky post and probably the most personal thing I've ever written about here on In Ella's Element. Today I'm talking about losing my virginity, or, more specifically, losing my virginity at 20.

Here in the UK the average age people lose their virginity is 16, so you could say that I lost my virginity at quite an "old" age. Now this post is not going to be preaching the benefits of waiting or encouraging people to lose their virginity at a younger age. It's just going to explain my experience, the good and the bad.

In truth I was scared to have sex, not because of the potential awkwardness or physical pain but of the potential emotional pain. For the purposes of total honesty I had had my heart broken by someone who I believed I was in love with (now I have experienced/am experiencing love I now know it wasn't really love). So I shut myself off from having sexual experiences out of the fear of getting overly attached and getting hurt again. After all I had been hurt so badly by someone who I hadn't had sex with, imagine how bad it would be if it was someone I had slept with? That was my thinking at the time.  

As the years passed I felt more and more worried about the fact that I wasn't having sex. All my friends were getting boyfriends and having sex and I felt more and more isolated and at times I felt like a freak. However, whenever an opportunity arose (no pun intended) my fear would kick in and I would avoid sex and at any opportunity. It didn't help that I had a knack of picking complete twats as boyfriends, people who I knew were totally wrong for me. I was also struggling with my sexuality as I found myself being attracted to women just as much as men, bisexuality wasn't a subject that was receiving much attention back then (or at least that's what it felt like). So I felt more and more confused and more and more worried. 

I would lie about having sex to some people, only a very few people knew I hadn't lost my virginity. When I started uni, the feeling of being a freak was even worse a few of my uni friends would try and pressure me to just "get with guys", which only made me feel more uncomfortable and nervous about the whole situation.

Late in my first year of uni I met a guy, let's call him John. John was a friend of a friend, at first he was quite sweet but later I discovered that he was selfish, vain, arrogant, a cheat and just an all round unpleasant person. Yep, you guessed it. John was the person I decided to lose my virginity to. I can't fully explain why but it was mostly in order to finally "get it over with".

As you can imagine, it was awful. Just plain awful. I din't have a clue what to do, John didn't know I was a virgin until after so wasn't exactly gentle. After it happened I felt a mixture of things, I felt like an idiot for losing it to someone like John but I also felt a sense of relief. I had has sex with someone and although he did dick me around for a while afterwards (again no pun intended) I ultimately didn't get too hurt emotionally.  

I felt ready to have sex with someone who I had feelings for or at least someone who I could just have fun with. Sex after the first time has always been great, or at least better, I learnt about my body, accepted my sexuality and I always made sure that I was always honest. So waiting so long for pretty rubbish sex has been made up for with a lot of great sex afterwards.  

Losing my virginity at 20 may not seem like a big deal to some people but for me it felt like forever. I don't regret waiting, like most things in life it was an experience that I learnt lots from. If I could meet me back then or anyone who is worried about losing their virginity I would say not to worry about when you lose it. Just make sure that you are ready and it's what you really want. Also you don't have to lose it to someone you love but at least try to make it someone you can stand. 

I hope you enjoyed reading this post I'm sorry if it was a bit of an essay. Let me know what you thought in the comments below. 


Thanks for reading!


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28 comments:

  1. Great post hun! I like this so much.

    JENNEROUTFITS.COM a blog dedicated to kendall and kylie jenner’s best outfits.

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    1. Thank you, glad you enjoyed it!

      Ella xx

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  2. Love this post! Thanks for sharing! xx

    Check out my new post @OHIAMIHT BLOG.

    x Mai

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    1. Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

      Ella xx

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  3. Great post and thank you for sharing your experience. I know it must have been tuff! Although, I think this should be more talked about subject, just so teenage girls would not feel pressured to have sex, but would really do it at the time when it felt right to them. I felt pressured when I was a teenager, not by guys, but by the culture in general, and I would not like that on anybody :)

    Lii

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    1. Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I know I hate that we live in a culture that pressures us into sex. Thank you for stopping by!

      Ella xx

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  4. Great post girl, takes a lot of bravery to be this honest online!
    Tenz
    www.shesabouthatlife.com
    Xxx

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    1. Thank you so much I really appreciate it!

      Ella xx

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  5. I loved this post Ella, it's one of the reasons why your blog is top in my blog loves! You're completely honest and can talk about anything, which is what life should be about! I lost my virginity at 19 so a person who started dating my best friend right after. I dumped them both but I've always been glad that I take things at my own pace. I didn't start drinking til I was 21 which was way after most of my friends and didn't get married til I was 28 (same thing) so I'm definintely later on the bandwagon then a lot of people but that's what I've always felt comfortable doing. I loved reading this and I love how open and honest you are and mostly I'm convinced we are twins separated at birth! Love and hugs to you my gorgeous friend! XO -Kim

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    1. Kim thank you, you're so sweet and so lovely, I love your blog (and you!) to bits! That's so awful that your "friend" would do that to you, you were right to cut them from your life. As long as you do things because you want to and because you feel comfortable that's all that matters. We definitely are twins, we're so similar it's crazy! Thank you my amazing, beautiful friend for your lovely comment, you always know how to put a smile on my face! Love you millions!

      Ella xx

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  6. It's funny that you regret waiting because I really regret *not* waiting and rushing into it five minutes after I turned 16. But at least we've both learned from it. Thanks for sharing your experience :)

    alicered.co.uk

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    1. Yeah definitely as long as you're happy now and you learnt from it it's all good! Thanks for stopping by!

      Ella xx

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  7. Replies
    1. You're welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

      Ella xx

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  8. Wow what an honest and powerful post - love it! go you!


    love LC xx

    luckypretty.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it!

      Ella xx

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  9. Loved this post, I know so many people who rushed into it because of pressure from overall society which sucks as it made them left feeling even worse afterwards. I really do think it should be talked a lot heaps more. (been thinking of writing my side for a while just dunno how to start haha) I'm 22 and never even kissed anyone, but literally everyone I know, knows it cause for some reason I just never gave a shit? haha Glad I didn't as I feel like I may have done it to young otherwise! I'm happy to wait, I;m a bit nervous of sex like you were but I know I'll wait for when I;m ready and in s trusting relationship :D xo

    Rai | utterardour.blogspot.com

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    1. It's awful the pressure society puts on people to have sex at a younger age! I totally agree it's a subject that needs more attention, you should write your side it would be really interesting (only if you feel comfortable writing about it of course). That's so awesome that you don't give a shit and you aren't lying about it, it's a much better way of going about things.Yeah definitely wait until you feel comfortable enough with someone. Thank you for stopping by, I'm glad you enjoyed this post!

      Ella xx

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  10. Amazing post Ella! thank you so much for sharing your story. I can Completely relate to not understanding but attracted to booth sex's. I hadn't even herd of the term bi sexual as i lived in a tiny village in surrey at the time. We should all talk about these things more, its so natural and yet so many people still see it as a taboo subject. great post, loved it xx

    Leonie | http://www.missleoniewilson.com/
    XOXO

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    1. Thank you so much, I'm pleased you liked it! It's so sad that people are made to feel uncomfortable about sex and their sexuality because society won't talk about it. Thank you for stopping by!

      Ella xx

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  11. I loved your honesty in this post. It's kind of sad that other people tend to think that pressuring a person into having sex will make things better. In the end at least you learned more about yourself and it's only gotten better. (:

    Single Vegas Girl
    http://singlevegasgirl.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you so much I'm glad you enjoyed! Yeah it's so silly that people think that pressuring someone is the right thing to do. Thanks for stopping by!

      Ella xx

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  12. Ah, Ella, I love your honesty in this one! Losing one's virginity is pretty taboo where I live so I doubt I'd ever be able to talk about it openly. As for your anecdotes, it's really interesting to read your thought process through it all, but it's great that you've found yourself along the way!

    MAY | WWW.THEMAYDEN.COM

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    1. I'm pleased you enjoyed it! Yeah, I'm so pleased that everything turned out alright in the end. Thanks for your comment!

      Ella xx

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  13. Love this honest post! Glad that you were able to find yourself as well :)

    Florals&Smiles

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    1. Thank you, I'm pleased you enjoyed it. I'm glad too :)

      Ella xx

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  14. I am so glad I read this! It was really reassuring for me. Being 17, the topic is already starting to get more prevalent within social groups of people my age. I have never had a boyfriend etc. And am I a little bit scared of sex. Not for the same reasons for you, but for hygiene reasons. I struggle with physical contact with other people, in the fear of germs and getting ill. It's really upsetting because the concept of that much intimacy scares the hell out of me. One day I will hopefully find someone who understands. I really admire you for writing this post, thank you xx

    Thrifty vintage fashion

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    1. Thank you so much I'm glad you liked it and I'm so happy it reassured you! One day soon you'll find someone you feel comfortable enough to talk about these things and maybe feel comfortable enough to have a sexual relationship with. Until then just don't worry and have fun. Thank you so much for your lovely comment!

      Ella xx

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